Talk to the Animals

Number 17 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone*series:

A silly tale about a talking donkey.

by Farrell Till

A popular movie last year [1996], which even received an academy-award nomination for best picture, was Babe, a story about a talking pig. Even with animated cartoons aside, talking animals have not been at all uncommon in movies and TV. Years ago we had Francis, the talking mule, and later came Mister Ed. Doctor Dolittle, a movie about a man with a special affinity with animals, even gave us the popular song "Talk to the Animals."

Child Abuse Yahweh's Way

Number 16 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:
A great "hero of faith" considered loyalty to an oath more important than the life of his own daughter.

by Farrell Till

Only in the Twilight Zone of biblical times could one become a "hero of faith" by killing his daughter in order to keep a foolish oath. In in our last trek through the twilight zone, we saw that vows were serious business in those days. None of the Israelite fathers, for example, felt free to give their daughters in marriage to the 600 males who had survived the massacre of the Benjamites, because "the men of Israel had sworn an oath at Mizpah, saying, `None of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin as a wife'" (Judges 21:1). In the law of Moses, it was written, "When you make a vow to Yahweh your God, you shall not delay to pay it; for Yahweh your God will surely require it of you, and it would be sin to you.... That which has gone from your lips you shall keep and perform, for you voluntarily vowed to Yahweh your God what you have promised with your mouth" (Deut. 23:21,23).

Pioneers of Loophole Religion

Number 15 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:
The Israelite rationalization of a problem they had created shows that loophole religion is as old as the Bible.

by Farrell Till

Our last trip into the Twilight Zone left God's chosen people grappling with a terrible problem. They themselves had virtually wiped out the tribe of Benjamin in a battle described in Judges 20, only to realize that they were responsible for practically destroying a tribe of Yahweh's pet nation Israel. Six hundred had survived the Benjamite massacre, but these were all males, soldiers, who had retreated to the rock of Rimmon (20:47). Our last trip found the Israelites in the "house of God" pondering what they could do to rebuild the tribe of Benjamin. They couldn't give their own daughters to the Benjamite survivors, because they had sworn with an oath at Mizpah before the massacre that "(n)one of us shall give his daughter to Benjamin as a wife" (21:1,7), and neither could the Benjamite survivors violate Yahweh's holy law and marry foreign women (Dt. 7:3-4; Ex. 34:12-13).

Even Holy Massacres Can Have Their Drawbacks

Number 14 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:
The silly results of an intratribal holy war are examined.

by Farrell Till

In the Twilight Zone of biblical literature, silliness occurs in direct proportion to the length of the story. Our last two journeys into the Twilight Zone concerned events that followed the rape and murder of the Levite's concubine. After twice having Yahweh's counsel lead them into military disasters inflicted by the Benjamites defending the city where the atrocity against the Levite's concubine had occurred, the Israelites directed a third inquiry to Yahweh that brought them success, if a victory that had cost 40,000 lives can in any sense be considered a success. Anyway, in their third attack against the city of Gibeah, the Israelites withdrew in apparent defeat to trick the Benjamite forces into following them out of the city and into an ambush where "ten thousand select men from all Israel" were lying in wait (Judges 20:32-34). We are told that the battle was "fierce" and that "Yahweh defeated Benjamin before Israel" (v:35).

How to Inquire of Yahweh

Number 13 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:
An incredible tale of how the Israelites kept inquiring of their god after he had twice led them into defeats.

by Farrell Till

The rape of the Levite's concubine, the subject of our last journey into the Twilight Zone, so enraged the Israelites that they "gathered as one man before Yahweh at Mizpah" (Judges 20:1). When everyone was assembled, the leaders said to the Levite whose concubine had been killed, "Tell us, how did this wicked deed happen?"

A Story Your Sunday School Teacher Never Told You

Number 12 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

Once upon a time in the Twilight Zone, a certain Levite and his concubine, overtaken by darkness on a journey home from visiting the concubine's father, stopped in the town of Gibeah and found no one willing to give them lodging (Judges 19:10-15). Luck was on their side, however, because an "old man" returning from work in his field saw them sitting in the street and offered them shelter in his house (vs:16-21). So the kind old man took them home, fed their donkeys, washed their feet, and gave them food.

Love Thy Sister

Growing up as a Christian, I remember hearing preachers 
lament that people didn't read the Bible enough. That "God's 
word" should be venerated more and that people should 
know what was in "the book", because it was God's instructions 
to man concerning what he expected from man. I agree that 
people should read "the book" and know what is in it, because 
if they do and are honest with themselves they will find that the 
Bible is a book that is a 100% human production--with mind-
numbing absurdities and contradictions and unimaginable 
viciousness attributed to their allegedly omnibenevolent god. 

Number 11 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

In previous trips to the Twilight Zone, we looked at some of the strange laws of the people who lived there. One of their strangest was known as the "Levirate law." This was a law that prohibited a widow without a son from marrying until she had given her brothers-in-law a chance to succeed where their brother had failed. As the humorist Dave Barry often says in his column, I am not making this up. This was an actual law that the inscrutable Yahweh had given to his chosen ones: "If brothers dwell together and one of them dies and has no son, the wife of the dead man shall not be married to a stranger outside the family; her husband's brother shall go in to her, take her as his wife, and perform the duty of a husband's brother to her. And it shall be that the firstborn son which she bears will succeed to the name of his dead brother, that his name may not be blotted out of Israel" (Deut. 25:5-6). Nothing was said, of course, about whether the widow had given birth to daughters before her husband died, because in the Twilight Zone females just didn't count. The deceased husband had to have produced a son and if not, the widow had to give her brothers-in-law a shot (no pun intended) at it.

Scooping and Copping

Number 10 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

The Twilight Zone, where the children of Israel lived and worshiped their god Yahweh, was indeed a strange place. Perhaps the only thing stranger than this god was the legal system that he imposed on his "chosen people." On our last journey, we learned that Yahweh abhorred anything that was blemished, and so he had ordered all people with physical handicaps to distance themselves from the tabernacle altar, lest they profane Yahweh's holy sanctuary with their presence. Even blemished animals, especially those with crushed testicles, would profane Yahweh's altar if they were offered as sacrifices.

Great Balls of Fire!

Number 9 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

-A satirical look at Yahweh's aversion to crushed testicles-

by Farrell Till

In modern civilized societies, special considerations are given to people who are physically handicapped. Governments both national and regional provide them with special parking facilities, access ramps, restroom accommodations, and other services intended to  integrate them into society as much as circumstances will allow. One would therefore think that back in the days when Yahweh, the omnibenevolent creator of the universe, routinely visited and chatted with his specially chosen people, treatment of the handicapped would have been at least equal to what it is in modern society, but when we journey back into the twilight  zone of biblical times, we learn that such was not the case. Rather than showing special consideration for the handicapped, Yahweh expressed a contempt for such people and even decreed that they were not to be allowed in his presence. Above all else, he did not want them profaning his sanctuary. 

Those Resilient Heathens

Number 8 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

In an earlier column, we noted the amazing resilience of the Egyptian livestock during the infamous plagues that Moses rained down on Egypt. The plague of murrain, which the Bible described as "very grievous" (Ex. 9:3), killed "all the livestock of the Egyptians" (v:5), yet when the plague of hail came only days later, it "struck down everything that was in the open field throughout all the land of Egypt, both human and animals" (9:25). And so the story continued. A plague would come and strike both man and beast, sometimes specifying that all beasts were struck down, as well as their food supply, yet when the final plague came, some of the amazingly resilient livestock of Egypt were still alive to be killed in the plague against the firstborn (Ex. 11:5; 12:29). And even then the wonders didn't cease. Pharaoh was able to muster an army of "six hundred picked chariots and all the other chariots of Egypt," as well as other horsemen (14:6-28), to try to stop the Israelite exodus. Where but in the Twilight Zone of inerrant biblical history could anything so amazing happen?

The Amazing Livestock of Egypt

Number 7 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

The tit-for-tat premise in the biblical story of the Egyptian plagues continued until Aaron struck the dust of the ground with his staff (Ex. 8:16-17) and brought forth an  infestation of lice or gnats or mosquitoes or maggots (pick your translation). At this point, Pharaoh's magicians, after trying with no success to produce lice (gnats, mosquitoes, maggots), threw in the towel and said, "This is the finger of God!" (Ex. 8:19). Yeah, sure! Only in the Twilight Zone would sorcerers, who had matched Aaron and Moses tit for tat in changing all the water of Egypt into blood and frog for frog in the second plague, have been deterred by a comparatively simple little thing like bringing forth lice (gnats, mosquitoes, maggots). If I had been Pharaoh, I would have given those magicians their walking papers on the spot. After all, what is calling forth a swarm or two of lice or gnats (mosquitoes, maggots) compared to changing all the water in Egypt into blood after all the water in Egypt had already been turned to blood? If nothing else, they could have faked it, waved their hands, said an enchantment or two, tossed some dust into the air, and then pointed at some of Yahweh's lice or gnats and claimed that they had conjured them up. Talk about lack of imagination!

With Pharaoh's sorcerers out of the contest, Moses and Aaron now had free rein, which wasn't quite so free as the Twilight-Zone imagination of the Exodus writer, who piled more absurdities onto prior absurdities as the plagues continued. When Pharaoh appeared to weaken under the plague of flies, Moses prayed for Yahweh to take away the flies tomorrow (!), but after the flies were gone, Pharaoh hardened his heart again. So Moses brought down a pestilence upon the livestock of Egypt, "the horses, the donkeys, the camels, the herds, and the flocks" (9:3). As pestilences go, this one was a biggie, because "all the livestock of the Egyptians died" (9:6). Under normal conditions, this would have spelled doom for the Egyptian livestock industry, but we must remember that normal conditions never existed in the Twilight Zone. So when Moses inflicted the plague of boils on the land, no one in the Twilight Zone of biblical fundamentalism seems at all surprised to read that the boils afflicted "animals throughout the land of Egypt" as well as humans (9:9-10).

Pharaoh, the Nincompoop

Number 6 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

Absurdities in the story of the ten plagues go far beyond the changing of all the water of Egypt into blood, which was the subject of our last journey into the Twilight Zone of biblical fundamentalism. As Moses and Aaron called down the plagues, the implausibilites multiplied so rapidly that no rational-thinking reader could possibly believe that these events happened as recorded in the Bible. As previously noted, the story began as a tit-for-tat confrontation between Pharaoh's magicians and Yahweh's emissaries, Moses and Aaron. When Aaron changed his rod into a serpent, the magicians "did in like manner with their enchantments" (Ex. 7:11); when Aaron and Moses changed all the water in Egypt into blood, the magicians, in some way known only to Bible fundamentalists, "did so with their enchantments" (7:22). So the die was cast, and the duel was under way.

In the next exchange of preternatural blows, Aaron stretched out his magic rod (wand?) and  brought forth a wave of frogs that infested all the land of Egypt. Frogs were everywhere in all the houses--in the bedrooms, in the beds, in the servants' quarters, in the ovens, in the kneading bowls (8:5). It was clearly a matter of here a frog, there a frog, everywhere a frog frog. However, the magicians, not to be outdone, "did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs on the land of Egypt" (v:7). But at this point in the story, problems begin to multiply quicker than the frogs. If the invasion of frogs that Aaron produced was as massive as the Bible claims, how could anyone possibly have determined that Pharaoh's magicians had succeeded in adding even more frogs to the infestation? Did the magicians bring forth frogs that were labeled "ours" so that they could be distinguished from "theirs"? Who really knows? We must remember that in the Twilight Zone anything can happen.

When All Is Not All

Number 5 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

by Farrell Till

To the Twilight-Zone mind of the Christian fundamentalist, nothing in the Bible is too absurd to believe. Twilight Zonery at its absurdest is exemplified in the way that Bible fundamentalists insist that the story of the Egyptian plagues is literally true in all of its details.  The plagues began when Yahweh commanded Moses to have Aaron stretch his staff over "the waters of Egypt" (Ex. 7:19) to change them into blood. The transformation was to include water that was in the rivers, streams, pools, ponds, and even vessels of wood and stone. When Moses and Aaron did so, "all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood" (v:20), and the blood, as Yahweh had decreed, was "throughout all the land of Egypt" (v:21).

"Well, why not?" Christian fundamentalists will demand. If we concede the existence of an omnipotent God for whom Moses and Aaron were acting as emissaries, the performance of a deed like this would have been rather insignificant compared to, say, the creation of the world. Perhaps so, but the writer of this little yarn so blundered in the way he told the story that, even with that concession, rational thinkers will have no difficulty seeing that it is pure fantasy. Whoever wrote it clearly intended to present it from the very beginning as a contest between the powers of Pharaoh's magicians and the power of Yahweh acting through Moses and Aaron. In a display of power to Pharaoh before the plagues themselves actually began, Aaron cast his rod down, and it became a serpent (Ex. 7:10). Not at all impressed with the demonstration, Pharaoh called for his magicians, who "did in like manner with their enchantments" (v:11). They cast their rods down, and they too became serpents.  Aaron's serpent, however, came to the rescue by swallowing the magicians' serpents [rods], presumably demonstrating that the power of Yahweh was superior to the power of the magicians (v:12).

Ouch!

Number 4 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* series:

 by Farrell Till

"And it came to pass that Abraham said to God, `You want us to cut off our what!'" (1 Babinski 13:7).

Of all the strange ideas that found acceptance in the Twilight Zone of biblical times, perhaps none was any stranger than the notion that males had to have their foreskins cut off in order to please the petulant Yahweh. Actually, the rite of circumcision wasn't just a matter of pleasing Yahweh; it was either done or his wrath was incurred. When Yahweh gave the commandment that all eight-day-old males were to be circumcised, he made it clear that he meant business: "And the uncircumcised male child, who is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, that person shall be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant" (Gen. 17:14). What a clever way to put it! The uncircumcised person "shall be cut off from his people." Who says that Yahweh didn't have a sense of humor?

Biblical Babble about Babel

Number 3 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* Series:

by Farrell Till

Why do nations speak different languages? If you think it is because of isolationism in the distant past that made cultural interchanges and hence consistency in language evolution impossible, then think again. A trip to the Twilight Zone will give you the right answer. You see, there was a time when "the whole earth had one language and one speech" (Gen. 11:1), but the linguistically unified people of that time ticked off the petulant Yahweh, who "confused" their language so that they couldn't understand one another.  Ever since the world has been linguistically divided.

What did those people do that so irritated the whimsical Yahweh? Well, silly, they tried to build a tower whose top would reach "unto heaven." What else? It's all right there in God's inspired word. If people would just open their Bibles more often to experience the joys of traipsing through the Twilight Zone, they wouldn't have to ask stupid questions. It makes perfectly good sense to suppose that a linguistically unified people trying to build a tower to heaven would quite naturally arouse Yahweh's ire.  What if they succeeded? What then? The upstarts would have probably undertaken even more ambitious projects.

What Will the Bible Tell the Court?

Number 2 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* Series:

by Farrell Till

[Editor's Note: This article in the Twilight-Zone series was based on a murder committed by Michael Griffin, a born-again "Christian," who has since been convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment.]

Back in the days of black-and-white television, the Twilight Zone was a fictional place where reality was so distorted that anything was possible. In discussions with Christian fundamentalists, I sometimes characterize their belief in biblical inerrancy as a journey into the Twilight Zone, because, like characters in the old TV series, Bible-believers often find themselves in situations where they cannot distinguish the real from the unreal, the possible from the impossible, or the rational from the irrational.

A case in point would be the born-again Christian who assassinated a doctor at an abortion clinic in Pensacola, Florida. After attending an Assembly of God Church on Sunday and asking the congregation to pray with him for Dr. David Gunn, Michael Griffin "allegedly" shot the doctor three times the next day at point-blank range. During his arraignment, Griffin asked the court's permission to serve as his own attorney and to keep his Bible with him "as one of [his] legal documents." One can only wonder what kind of journey into the Twilight Zone this twisted mind will make as Griffin looks for biblical justification of his actions, but, unless the prosecutor is completely ignorant of the Bible, the defense just may find itself in serious trouble.

Samson: The Hebrew Version of the Strong-Man Myth

Number 1 of 17 in the *Twilight Zone* Series:

by Farrell Till

Judges 15:15 claims that Samson killed a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, but according to the mythology of other nations of biblical times, Hercules and other strong-man heroes did similar feats, defeating entire armies and such like single-handedly. Now if Samson had killed 20 or even 10 of a thousand men rushing to overwhelm him, that would have been remarkable enough, but the entire thousand? That's just too incredible to believe.

His final feat, however, taxed common sense and credulity even more. After being tricked by Delilah into revealing that his uncut hair was the secret of his strength, an unlikely aspect of Samson's story that I will say more about later, she cut off his hair so that the Philistines could overpower him. He was then blinded and taken as a captive to a prison-house, where he was put to work turning a grinding stone. After his hair had grown back, his captors put him on display between two pillars in Dagon's temple. While the Philistines were making sport of him, Samson cried out to Yahweh, who gave him the strength to pull the temple pillars down to cause the structure to collapse on the people inside and on the temple roof.