Tuesday, May 15, 2012

My Favorite Church

Satirical humor from my favorite church: Landover Baptist Church (link)

Q: Can faith be considered a mental illness?
A: Dear Perceptive One,
Only by secular (a/k/a Satanic) psychiatrists. I once had an aunt who told her doctor she believed there was an old man in the sky who lived just above the clouds (meaning the videos from space are part of a government/Hollywood conspiracy) who watches our every move, zaps people he doesn't like with plagues and pestilence, kills their firstborn children, or strikes their crops with locusts, sends bears to maul to death children who tease bald men, drowned the planet during one particularly bad mood, teases men like Abraham by telling them to kill their son and then saying "gotcha!" right before they do it, struck to death a man for refusing to impregnate his dead brother's wife, and plans to send everyone who worships the god their parents taught them to worship instead of him to a place called "hell" where they will burn in flames for eternity. After extensive testing, she was institutionalized as either mentally ill or severely retarded. She was released only after the hospital chief of staff took a road trip through several rural communities, visiting churches and reading hotel Gideon bibles. He concluded there isn't enough undeveloped land left in America to build enough facilities to house all those equally deranged.

Praying fundamentalists will continue to retain enough financial influence to avoid being placed on the list of those with psychological disorders,
Brother Harry Hardwick

Q: Why do men make so many excuses for God?
A: Dear Faithless Skeptic,
If a killer invaded your home and held you at gunpoint, then began to converse with you about his life and yours, what would your first inclination be? To butter him up, compliment him and make excuses for him, explaining that every problem he has is society's fault. You would do this in the hope he wouldn't pull the trigger. In the version of this scenario which you have offered, the consequences of not playing along are even worse than gunshot (eternity roasting in Hell). We all know from the inerrant Holy Bible that God is a wrathful and jealous god who has struck people dead for the seemingly harmless act of worshiping another god. Given that violent inclination, any sane person with a commitment to self-preservation, not just in this life but in the next, would certainly be tempted to turn a blind eye to the Great Flood that killed virtually everyone (except drunk Noah and his family), including infants and unborn children (Genesis 6:5-7, 22), the fire and brimstone that killed tens of thousands of people (Genesis 19:24-25. 1 Corinthians 19:8), the wiping out of tribes other than the Israelites (Judges 1:4; 3:28-29) the ripping open of pregnant women (Hosea 13:16), the murder of children for teasing a bald man (2 Kings 2:23-24), etc., etc., etc. The problem, of course, is that the Bible attributes so much carnage to God that the excuses eventually lose credibility.

Praying all will recognize that the Bible isn't all chocolate and strawberries,

Brother Harry Hardwick
Q: What was Jesus' last name?  
A: Dear Nosy One,
Jesus declined to be called by a last name. He was the first in a long line of those who wear long, flowing robes, love attracting crowds and insist that everyone present love them above all others, lest they experience disaster later on. Later divas with the same traits and single-name commitment, of course, include Madonna and Cher, but Jesus was the original.
Yours in His precious name,
Brother Harry Hardwick

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